A Local Draft

You posed for hours and days and months and moments which felt like years even when they did not last any longer than a second. You posed for him and his masterpiece.

He didn’t let you twitch a bit. He confined you within his needs. He caged you in a scrap sheet which you mistook for his canvas. Who could have thought that a blink of the eye would be a luxury someday? Not you, no

But somehow it feels alright, does not it? Your freedom for his art, nice deal, no? Always feeling like no matter what you do, it is just not enough. So you begin to hold your breath, a little attempt to decrease the movement around your chest. So remember when your best friend tells you that this is not a murder, this is suicide. But I would say it is both, who is to blame? Love, nah. 

He takes breaks regularly, but you are not allowed to move. Sometimes he will even forget to keep the lights on, it is fine anyway, the dark is your old friend

But it is not you on his canvas and your hopes, understandings, tears and even memories cannot reshape this one reality you have always feared.

You are just another crumpled paper with words that do not satisfy a writer. You are just another local draft. You are the sum total of all the insignificant things in his life, you were his little snack that he does not care about, because he says It’s fun to have you around but I’m cool without you, too

Sahej Sahni

Advertisements

But I’m Not Insane (Not Yet)

As I sit here alone,
I can almost feel you beside me.

I guess I saw something and I guess it was you.

Or maybe it’s just my mind reminding me that I know your smell
Like the smell of rain.

As I’m walking through this crowd,

I can almost feel your hand in mine
Like it was there all the time but only it’s absence reminds me that it was present,

If for a few months only.

Or maybe it was just my mind telling me that moving on is fiction and that I can draw the love line of your palm like two hills and half a sun sitting in between.

As I’m crying on my bed,

I can almost feel the moisture from your mouth on my drought struck lips.

And I swear if you were here I know you’d never let them run dry.

Or maybe it’s just my mind trying to fuck me up with the fact that
I know the cracks of your lips like the streets from where I was brought up.

As I’m laughing with tears in my eyes where everything is perfect, everything stops.

Everything begins again but slower than ever.

I can hear my heartbeat and its not the one I’m familiar with and I wonder if you left me yours or that the time I spent on your chest was when I forgot the music in my own heart.

Or maybe it’s just my mind trying to set me up because we both know your eyes are the best trap and but what only I know is that even when the time has slowed down our beautiful motion picture, our world falling around us frame by frame I will steal a minute and a frame to look at your smile because oh it’s not the first time that the world is falling.

As I torture my ears with the love songs on repeat,

For a moment they tell me there’s still hope.

They almost heard you say you need me.

I can trust them blindly or perhaps deafly.
(bad joke you would’ve said)

Or maybe it’s just my mind trying to lure me into sorrow like you did and I wonder what’s in it for the two of you because I know the sound of your voice, it’s a crying baby’s lullaby, it makes me calm in a way it makes me what I am.

How do you do it?

As I’m walking in the dark I turn back
I had almost felt you pulling me back
Towards you.

I’m the least sure this one time.

Because I know you’re not coming back but then your touch had never equated to anyone else’s not even mine but this one had that thing,
The thing that made my heart run races past your love lines through the cracks in your lips I’m telling you

This is different.

Or maybe it’s just my mind fooling with my weak spot, right where the girl who made me strong used to live but baby this one’s different I swear because I don’t remember how it felt like being in the womb the safest place they call it but I think it was something like this.

But it’s okay.

You do pay visits, hands or even kisses at times.

I hate to call them anything a sole creation of my own mind.

I’m a wreck darling and so is my mind
And neither of us can ever create such moments in my head.

Sahej Sahni

Tame My Mind

The next time I see you in that top,
When that shoulder is falling off,
I want you to draw the line,
It is a long way till I tame my mind.

The next time your bare skin brushes past mine,
And when it is a little dark, just fine,
I want you to draw the line,
It is a long way till I tame my mind.

The next time you let your hair flow,
And the subtle light adds to your glow,
I want you to draw the line,
It is a long way till I tame my mind.

The next time you give me that look, oh my,
Even when you want it, you will act shy,
I want you to draw the line,
It is a long way till I tame my mind.

The next time it is just you and I,
You catch me staring at you from the corner of your eyes,
I want you to draw the line,
It is a long way till I tame my mind.

The next time you bite your lip, (you would not stop)
Or on the phone when it is 3 on clock,
I want you to draw the line,
It’s a long way till I tame my mind,
Oh darling, I do not want to tame my mind.
– Sahej Sahni


This is but My Choice

After days on the ground when you need to stand,
And when you find yourself lonely in the crowd of your friends,
I hope you remember me,
And I hope you are doing fine.

When your phone lights up to a midnight call,
And all those colourful springs turn to lifeless falls,
I hope you remember me,
And I hope you do not cry to sleep.

When you realise your blush was but a scar,
And you do not feel like the princess you are,
I hope you remember me,
And I hope it makes you smile.

When your neck aches to the thirst of my kiss,
I would have grown my hair for you to miss, because
I hope you remember me,
And I hope it hurts.

When it has been a whole day but your hair is still tied,
Your fingers, when you took off my ring, I think they cried,
Do you even remember me?
I hope you remember me.

And I hope you cry to the sound of my voice.
And I hope it brings you to pain.
So you remember me, because
I wish you remember me.

– Sahej Sahni