But I’m Not Insane (Not Yet)

As I sit here alone,
I can almost feel you beside me.

I guess I saw something and I guess it was you.

Or maybe it’s just my mind reminding me that I know your smell
Like the smell of rain.

As I’m walking through this crowd,

I can almost feel your hand in mine
Like it was there all the time but only it’s absence reminds me that it was present,

If for a few months only.

Or maybe it was just my mind telling me that moving on is fiction and that I can draw the love line of your palm like two hills and half a sun sitting in between.

As I’m crying on my bed,

I can almost feel the moisture from your mouth on my drought struck lips.

And I swear if you were here I know you’d never let them run dry.

Or maybe it’s just my mind trying to fuck me up with the fact that
I know the cracks of your lips like the streets from where I was brought up.

As I’m laughing with tears in my eyes where everything is perfect, everything stops.

Everything begins again but slower than ever.

I can hear my heartbeat and its not the one I’m familiar with and I wonder if you left me yours or that the time I spent on your chest was when I forgot the music in my own heart.

Or maybe it’s just my mind trying to set me up because we both know your eyes are the best trap and but what only I know is that even when the time has slowed down our beautiful motion picture, our world falling around us frame by frame I will steal a minute and a frame to look at your smile because oh it’s not the first time that the world is falling.

As I torture my ears with the love songs on repeat,

For a moment they tell me there’s still hope.

They almost heard you say you need me.

I can trust them blindly or perhaps deafly.
(bad joke you would’ve said)

Or maybe it’s just my mind trying to lure me into sorrow like you did and I wonder what’s in it for the two of you because I know the sound of your voice, it’s a crying baby’s lullaby, it makes me calm in a way it makes me what I am.

How do you do it?

As I’m walking in the dark I turn back
I had almost felt you pulling me back
Towards you.

I’m the least sure this one time.

Because I know you’re not coming back but then your touch had never equated to anyone else’s not even mine but this one had that thing,
The thing that made my heart run races past your love lines through the cracks in your lips I’m telling you

This is different.

Or maybe it’s just my mind fooling with my weak spot, right where the girl who made me strong used to live but baby this one’s different I swear because I don’t remember how it felt like being in the womb the safest place they call it but I think it was something like this.

But it’s okay.

You do pay visits, hands or even kisses at times.

I hate to call them anything a sole creation of my own mind.

I’m a wreck darling and so is my mind
And neither of us can ever create such moments in my head.

Sahej Sahni

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